They creep up on you unexpectedly. One moment you're sitting on the couch watching reruns of Friends and the next moment you're so tense with emotion it hurts. Your body stiffens, your face cringes (kind of like when you first put a war head in your mouth), and your fists clinch together. That moment you regret, the moment you dread to remember but can't stop thinking about has resurfaced. For me, these cringeable moments come about 4 times after I do something I regret. 9 days ago I made either a horrible, or a life changing decision. Alcohol was involved and so was my best guy friend from home. Mix in some intense emotions that have been boiling up since the 9th and BAM, the seed of the cringe-able moment is planted.

It started out just like every other weekend. My friends and I were contemplating weather or not to go out, going back and fourth between yes and no, I'm too tired and I'm too bored. Whenever we contemplate a decision like going out to the bars and possibly being hung over the next morning, the verdict we reach usually involves a big, fat "no, lets just stay in and watch a movie." But, as I stated before, today was different. After much groaning and hesitation we decided to go with the flow and put our party pants on. Ever since our senior year of college and the recent stepping stone of college graduation, partying hasn't been on the top of our list of things to do. One day we think we're too old for it, at the ages of 22 and 23, and other days we say to ourselves "what are we thinking, today is the youngest we'll ever be." It's a hard thing being in your early 20's, as adulthood is slowly creeping up behind you. But with the phrase "you only live once" tucked beneath our belts, we put on our wedges and headed out for a night of fun. Amidst all of the contemplating, (and one big contributing factor for the reason I wanted to go out) my very best guy friend who I have known for 12 years was sending me a few texts about meeting up with him. 99% of the time I will say "ok, i'll see you later!" and completely ditch him, not because I want to, but because it's hard to get my group of girl friends to do anything that doesn't involve themselves. But since he is deploying as a Navy Seal in a couple of weeks I decided to go for it. I put my foot down and told my friends that it was a must for me to go see him. The last text before I saw him simply said "don't flake." Alas, I did not flake. And of course, the moment I read that text my cell phone died. That's what I get for forgetting to charge my phone. Needless to say, later that night my phone would have come in handy. It also could have quite possibly saved me from weeks of "cringeable moments." I was so set on finding him that I made my friends go to the bar that he last said he was at. Luckily, and to my surprise, I found him stumbling out of the bar as we were waiting in the ridiculously long line for it. I'm not sure what it was, but when we saw each other, it was the strangest feeling. After a hug that lasted too long we headed towards another bar, one with a shorter line and more dancing. I handed my roommate my phone which had my ID and debit card tucked away behind the case and walked in. He bought me a drink and I said I'd buy him the next one. A few drinks later and a few hundred brain cells lost, he mentioned that I said I would save him one dance. Knowing that those words never escaped my lips, I played hard to get. "I don't dance." and "I don't know, none of my friends are dancing." are just two of the excuses I pitched before eventually giving in. My dancing skills get that much better with each drink I consume, and with at least 3.5 drinks in my system, I was dropping it low like it was nobodies business. If you knew me, you would know that this is not my style. I'm pretty shy when it comes to attention and looking like a complete drunken idiot on the dance floor, but tonight I did not care. Another drink later and us feeling a little more comfortable, he goes in for a kiss. I pull away as I hear him say "you don't want to?" The range of emotions run through me like an Olympic swim meet. I do, but I dont. I do, but what will my friends say. I don't, but why not. Screw it, I do. He leans in for the second kiss and I feel a rush of emotions that I haven't felt in a long time run through my blood. We kiss passionately, maybe a little too passionately for public, but continue to dance and make out anyways. As my more logical self started to kick in, I knew that I had to leave. I tried to find my friend (the one with all of my belongings, including my house keys and dead phone). To my surprise, she wasn't anywhere to be found. I go and tell, well, lets jut call him Dave, that I can't find my friend. He instantly says that I can stay at his house and that he would give me his bed, whatever would make me feel the most comfortable. I knew in the back of my mind that I would feel completely comfortable staying over with him, but I also knew that we wouldn't be sleeping in separate beds if I did. We've kissed before, back in high school and the beginning of college, but nothing more. We are neighbors in the town we grew up in and our parents know each other. We are too close for comfort, too good of friends, but also too physically attracted to each other to resist any longer. The only reason he and I are in the same town now is because college brought me here and the Navy Seals brought him here as well. Needless to say, we get a cab together and made out the entire way home. Next thing I know we are in his room, on his bed, and no longer clothed. He tells me that I would be his ideal girlfriend but he's deploying so soon, there's really no point. He'll be gone for 9 months and let's just face it, it's never 100 percent certain that he will return home. "We don't have to if you don't want to." But I wanted to so bad, and it wasn't the alcohol talking. I wanted him and he wanted me. Putting all childhood memories aside, we let ourselves live in the moment. A moment of right here, right now. The next morning wasn't awkward at all, he cuddled behind me and we watched a movie. After it was over I asked if he could take me home and he did so. I awkwardly laughed and said goodbye, no hug, no kiss. I guess I should have but I didn't know what to do, he's deploying too soon. I can't get in too deep. The moment I got home, the cringing started. "whyyyy did I do that?!" "Why am I sacrificing such an amazing friendship?" So far, we've been texting and hanging out like nothing happened. I can feel it though, I know it will happen again. It's only a matter of time. We'll see if the week of cringing will stop me from doing what I feel is right, this time.

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    August 2012